The Power of NOW !!!

Reflection of Quarter Life Crisis or harmful effects of some One Sided Love/Affection or personal problems or just a normal age related problem... I don't know. But, one thing is really true to me. I AM CONFUSED. I have repeatedly written about it in my blogs with the hope that the Pandora's Box will be opened someday and I will get a way through, but all in vain. I could never really find an answer. Recently, one of my friends advised me to try spirituality. So, with an impulse I bought the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Till now just read the forward and preface of the book, and found it very encouraging. The book teaches how to attain inner peace and spiritual enlightenment just with the power of our mind, without really changing the external factors which are usually the root causes of the psychological pain most of us suffer from. But this can be done only if we leave our analytical mind and its false created self, the ego, behind. The journey is challenging and difficult. One para from the book states like this...

"I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a passing train - everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
......
I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."

Hence I get the silver lining. Lemme see, what in store for me...

Madhushala (The Tavern)

An English Translation of the golden classic Madhushaala by Hariwansh Rai Bachhan

Seeking wine, the drinker leaves home for the tavern.
Perplexed, he asks, "Which path will take me there?"
People show him different ways, but this is what I have to say,
"Pick a path and keep walking. You will find the tavern."

Hark! The wine gurgles and splashes as it falls from the goblet.
Hark! It sounds like the tinkling of bells on the feet of an intoxicated girl.
We have reached there, a few steps are we from the tavern,
Hark! Hear the laughter of the drinkers, as the fragrance of the tavern wafts through the air.

Call it not lava, though it flows red, like a tongue of flame.
Call it not the blistered heart, for it is only foaming wine.
Lost memories serve the wine, that intoxicates with pain.
If you find happiness in suffering, come to my tavern.

He who has burnt all scriptures with his inner fire,
Has broken temples, mosques and churches with carefree abandon,
And has cut the nooses of pandits, mullahs and priests ---
Only he is welcome in my tavern.

Alas, he that with eager lips, has not kissed this wine,
Alas, he that trembling with joy, has not touched a brimming goblet,
He that has not drawn close the coy wine-maiden by her hand,
Has wasted this honey-filled tavern of Life.

My beloved wine-maiden seems a priest; her wine as pure as the Ganga's waters.
With unbroken pace, she rotates the rosary of wine glasses.
"Drink more! Drink more!" she intones in prayer.
I am Shiva incarnate and this tavern is my temple.

Only once every year, the fires of Holi are lit.
Only once is the game played and are garlands of lamps lit.
But, O, those who are lost in the world, come and see the tavern any day,
The tavern celebrates a Holi, every morning and a Diwali every night.

Whatever the taste on my lips, it tastes like wine.
Whatever the vessel in my hands, it feels like a goblet.
Every face dissolves into the features of my wine-maiden,
And whatever be in front of my eyes, they fill only with visions of the tavern.

Ah, Beautiful, your lovely face is like a crystal bowl,
Whose precious gem is your beauty, sparkling like sweet, intoxicating wine.
I am the wine-maiden and I am the guest.
Where sit we together, there indeed is the tavern.

A mere two days she served me but the young maiden is sulking now.
She fills my goblet and passes it curtly to me.
Her coquetry and charms are lost arts;
All the tavern wishes now is to fulfil its obligations.

Life is short. How much love can I give and how much can I drink?
They say, "He departs," at the very moment that he is born.
While he is being welcomed, I have seen his farewell being prepared.
They started closing the shutters of the tavern, as soon as they were raised.

O maiden! Which burning heart has been pacified by drinking?
Every drinker repeats only one chant, "More! More!"
Seeking satisfaction, he leaves behind so many desires.
Of how many such hopes is this tavern a tomb?

Yama will come as the wine-maiden and bring his black wine,
Drink, and know no more consciousness, O carefree one.
This is the ultimate trance, the ultimate wine-maiden and the ultimate goblet.
O traveller, drink judiciously, for you will never find the tavern again.

Each day, O companion, spills more wine from my life.
Each day, O fortunate one, this goblet, my body, is burnt.
Each day, O lovely woman, this wine-maiden, my youth, distances itself from me.
Each day, O beauty, this tavern, my Life, is drying up.

When from the earthen jar of my body, the wine of life is emptied,
When the final wine-maiden comes with her bowl of poison,
When my hand forgets the touch of the goblet, and my lips the taste of wine,
Whisper in my ears, "the wine, the goblet, the tavern!"

Touch not my lips with tulasi, but with the goblet, when I die.
Touch not my tongue with the Ganga's waters, but with wine, when I die.
When you bear my corpse, pallbearers, remember this!
Call not the name of God, but call to the truth that is the tavern.

Weep over my corpse, if you can weep tears of wine.
Sigh dejectedly for me, if you are intoxicated and carefree.
Bear me on your shoulders, if you stumble drunkenly along.
Cremate me on that land, where there once was a tavern.

Pour on my ashes, not ghee, but wine.
Tie to a vine of grapes, not a waterpot, but a wine-goblet.
And when, my darling, you must call guests for the ritual feast,
Do this - call those who will drink and have the tavern opened for them.

If anyone asks my name, say it was, "The Drunkard".
My work? I drank and passed the goblet to everyone.
O Beloved, if they ask my caste, say only that I was mad.
Say my religion worshipped goblets and then chant with your rosary, "The tavern, the tavern!"

O son, raise not water at my final rites, but wine in your palms.
And sit somewhere, having filled the Ganga with wine.
If you can wet the earth somewhere, my soul will be satisfied.
Offer your libations to your ancestral spirits by reading repeatedly, "The tavern, the tavern."

********************************************************************************

Madhushaala

I SALUTE Hariwansh Rai Bachhan WHO HAS RICHEN THE INDIAN LITERATURE THROUGH THIS CLASSIC....

madira meiN jaane ko ghar se chaltaa hai peenewaala
kis path se jaaooN asmanjas meiN hai wo bhola bhaala
alag alag pathu batalaathi sab paR maiN ye bataata hooN
raah pakaD tu ek chalaa-chal paa jaayega madhushaala

sun kal-kal chal-chal madhu-ghaT se girti pyalOn meiN haala
sun run Jhun-Jhun chal witran karti madhusa ki baala
bas aa pahunche door nahiN kuch chaar kadam aur chalna hai
chahak rahe sun peene waale mehak rahi le madhushaala

naal sura kee dhaar lapaT see keh na dena ise jwaaLa
madira hai math isko keh dena uRR ka chaala
dard nasha hai is madira ka wigat smritiyaN saaqi haiN
peeDa meiN anand jise ho aaye meri madhushaala

dharm-grandh sab jala chuki hai jiske antar kee jwaala
mandir masjid girje sab ko toD chuka jo matwaala
panDit momin paadriyoN ke fandoN ko jo kaat chuka
kar sakti hai aaj usee ka swaagat meri madhushaala

laalayeet adhRoN se jisne haaye nahiN choomi haala
harshit kampit kar se jisne haay madhu ka chooaa pyaala
haath pakaD kar lajjit saaqi ko paas nahiN jisne kheencha
wyarth sukha Daali jeewan kee usne mahdumay madhushaala

bane pujaari premi saaqi ganga jal paawan haala
rahe ferta awirat gati se madhu ke pyaaloN kee maala
aur leeye jaa aur peeye jaa isi mantr ka jaap keeye jaa
maiN shiv ki pratima ban baiThooN mandir ho ye madhushaala

ek baras meiN ek baar hee jagti holi kee jwaala
ek baar hee lagti baaji jalti deepoN kee maala
duniya waaloN kintu kisi din aa madiraalay meiN dekho
din meiN holi raat diwaali roz manaati madhushaala

adharon par ho koee bhi ras jiwha par lagti haalaa
han jag ho koee haathon mein lagta rakkha hae pyaalaa
har surat saaqi ki surat mein parivartit ho jaati
aankhon ke aage ho kuchh bhi aankhon mein hae Madhushaalaa.

sumukhi tumhara sundar mukh hi mujh ko kanchan kaa pyaalaa
chhalak rahi hai jisme maNik roop madhur maadak haalaa
maiN hi saaqi banta maiN hi peene waala banta hoon
jahan kahin mil baithe hum tum wahiN gaee ho madhushaala

do din hee madhu muJhe pilaa kar oob uthi saaqi baalaa
bhar kar ab khiska detee hai woh mere aage pyaalaa
naaz-o-adaa andaazon se ab haaye pilaanaa door hua
ab to kar detee hai kewal farz-adaaee madhushaalaa

choTe se jeewaN meiN kitna pyaar karooN peelooN haala
aane ke hee saath jagat meiN kehlaaya jaane-waala
swaagat ke hee saath wida ki hothi dekhi tayyaari
band lagi hone khulte hee meri jeewan madhushaala

saant saki ho ab taq saaqi peekar kis uRR kee jwaala
aur aur ki raTan lagaata jaata har peene-waala
kitni iKsha ek har jaaNe-waala yahaN choD jaata
kitne aRmaanoN kee bankar qaBr khaDi hai madhushaala

yam aayega saaqi bankar saath liye kaali haala
pee na hosh meiN phir aayega sura wisudh yeh matwaala
yeh antim behoshi antim saaqi antim pyaala hai
pathiK pyaar se peena isko fir na milegee madhushaala

girti jaati hai din-pratidin pRanayani pRaanoN kee haala
maGn hua jaata din-pratidin deen subhge mera tan pyaala
rooth raha hai muJhse roop si din-din yauwan ka saaqi
sookh rahi hai din-din sundari meri jeewan madhushaala

Dhalak rahee ho tan ke ghaT se sangini jab jeewanhaala
paaTr garal ka le ab antiM saaqi ho aanewaala
haath paras bhoole pyaale ka swaad sura jiWha bhoole
kaanoN meiN tum kehti rehna madhuKaNN pyaala madhushaala

mere aDharoN par ho na antiM wastu na tulsi-jal pyaala
mere JiWha par ho antiM wastu na ganga-jal haala
mere shaV ke peeche chalne-waaloN yaad ise rakhna
ram-naam hai satya na kehna kehna sachchi madhushaala

mere shaV par wah roYe ho jiske aaNsoo meiN haala
aaH bhare wah jo ho surbhit madeera peekar matwaala
de muJhko wo kaandha jinke pad-mad dag-mag hoNte ho
aur jalooN uss Thaur jahaN par kabhi rahee ho madhushaala

aur chitha par jaaye unDela paatR na ghRith ka par pyaala
GhanT bandhe angoor latha meiN madhya na jal ho par haala
praan-priye yadi SHraadH karO tum mera to aise karna
peene-waaloN ko bulwa kar khulwa dena madhushaala

naam agar pooche koi to kehna bas peene-waala
kaam garal na aur dhaalna sab ke madiroN ka pyaala
jaati priYe pooche yadi koi keh dena deewanoN kee
dharM batana pyaaloN ki le maala japna madhushaala

pitR paKsh meiN putR uThana araGYan na kar meiN par pyaala
baiTh kahiN par jaana ganga sagar meiN bharkar haala
kisi jagaH kee miTTi bheege tRipti muJhe mil jaaYegee
darpan arpan karna muJhko paDh paDh karke "madhushaala"

********************************************************************************
Lyrics : Hariwansh Rai Bachhan
Music : Jaidev
Voices : Hariwansh Rai Bachhan, Manna Dey

One Sided Love

I was feeling like writing about One Sided Love for many time now. Found some nice sentimental blogs on the same topic in the net. Really a lot many of us suffer from this. Writing some anecdotes about it...

One Sided Love is like reaching for a star, you know you'll never reach it but you still keep trying.

Many people have different views about it ...

...we have all probably been on both sides of the fence. The guy/girl that really liked you and your friends or family knew he/she was right for you but u just never felt that spark. you hung out etc etc. Its life, it happens. Its human nature... to try to make some one like and/or love you. But hey all we can do is learn from these lessons of LIFE. These lessons are real, difficult, easy and complicated at the same time.

...Love is definitely the gift and the curse. Just like most everyone else, I've been on both sides of it. Hell, I'm on both sides of it now. You can't help who you fall for or who falls for you.

Love.. How can something so damn wonderful in essence be torture too.... !

One sided love is like two parallel lines which never intersect at any point.... but we still try try and try .... its so unfortunate to fall in love with someone who doesn't love you.... I just want to be loved by him/her once even if its for a moment ...and I will try for it till I am alive !!! I know it sounds a bit childish, gross and filmy but Its true!!

One sided love isn't a nice feeling. You feel desperate for his or her love. You begin to feel he or she takes you for granted. You get back from him or her only a miserable fraction of what you give. You're constantly worried about losing him or her.
Does that sound like love to you? It sounds kind of one-sided and like a waste of time to me...

... if both sides love equals then none of the partners will really enjoy what love means...!!!

... love is never wasted, regardless of the other's participation. There is always a lesson and a next step in your own Spiritual Unfoldment. Love and learn. Note though, the difference between love and attachment. Actual love always considers the other's point of view and acts with regard for the highest and best in the other. Attachment only looks for self-gratification.

it is like fencing a duel with an imaginary opponent... better love and be loved than not love at all... sometimes, if not love at first sight, love begins from one...and then meets response... if there is no response for a 'considerable time' (depends on your sanity), then it is no more love... it is just fascination...madness... love has to be mutual to grow....

One sided love is no love at all and it is dangerous as you can become maniac and will permanently incapacitate you to realise the values of love as attribute for healthy living.Try to be trasparent,open ,understanding ,trusting and learning to love....

one sided love is not actually love, it is an infatuation, if the one loving is not being loved in return then its a very harsh thing that happens all day, everyday all over the world and i think it really sucks and is not cool because it can make people feel like crap. it has happened to me and took me way longer than it should have to break free from it and i feel for the ones currently in that situation, because it hurts and u must be strong... i mean i still love the girl, but I am just not letting him know and trying my hardest to move on...

ONE SIDED LOVE. Plz don't think me a cynic. One sided lovers r generally sick. They r timid, shy or irritating. Their love is always illusionary they live in dreams wasting their energy, time, contacts n most importantly LIFE. If one cannot turn his one sided love into two sided then better he stop, if not he will end up losing his self respect, concentration, friends finally himself.
Don't go by the filmy style of love, its confined to films only not to life. Ur life and people around you (family, friends) are more important than this bug. love is true but its perfect if and only it unites two.

Make it two way or break it mid way.

well, most of us have experienced this atleast once in their life time. One Sided Love is seriously very painful. So, its always better to cut it midway. But, I feel love just happens; nobody start loving someone by starting with #include love.h . You never know how it started... !!! So, One Sided Love can only be regarded as an unfortunate chapter in one's life and more sooner its closed, the better is for the person.

one year... countless thoughts

time and tide seriously don't wait for anyone... with the 2nd week of the 10th month of the year now going, I really find it difficult to figure out how the year 2007 passed off. However 2007 seems to be one of the most different year of my life. As I can rightly christen it as a year full of credits, losses, countless emotions, numerous sentiments and the list goes on. Sometime ago, I felt that I should not write my own stuffs in my blog, because blog is a place which is always exposed to the world. But the next moment I felt that the people around me are too busy to peep into my life through my blog. My blog has been a great friend of mine throughout this year, whom I approached when I was down or in the days of celebration. My blog is a good listener to me and so I love it the most. Year 2007 was the year when I spent the maximum amount of time in a solitary and lonesome mode. Never in my life, I could give so much of time just to myself. This year was professionally too good for me. I worked very hard in some months of the year and I got credited for that to my satisfaction. I also spent some of the nicest time with my friends. Two memorable events was the Goa trip in March and Alibaugh outing in September. But year 2007 was not always kind to me. I had to encounter some very depressing moments in this year. There were times when a sense of despair ruled my heart and soul in this year. Some posts in my blog rightly reflects those. Although those moments were extremely difficult to face on my part, but somehow everything was managed. I won't go into any more details about those worst mo of 2007. Everytime, I thought the Sun would shine tomorrow, but it rained. Nevertheless, I learnt a lot of things from those sucking times which may be helpful in living life in a better way in the future. Now as just only 2 months to go for another new year, I hope its fruitful to wait and watch the future. As someone rightly said, it can't rain all the time. The year 2007 was a year of countless thoughts for me. I saw and came across some real pictures of life... and also to some extent I tried discovering myself all through this year. Closing this post with the optimistic notion that not all who wander are lost...

weekend in Alibaugh

a cool weekend after many weeks. I along with my colleagues went to Alibaugh for a office sponsored trip. we started at around 9AM on Saturday morning. The journey was good, with lot of masti and fun in the bus. Reached there at around 1PM, checked into a resort already booked for us. After lunch, we went to Kihim Beach. I had some fun in the water but more fun with some beach dogs. Came back to our rooms by 8PM, and there was a DJ night arranged for us in the resort. Danced a lot to the tune of music. All my wild dances (I hardly know how to dance). Did a lot of prank in the dinner time and finally dozed off by midnight. Sunday morning, after breakfast we went to a nearby lake. I did a lot of peddle boating. It was real fun. The lake was deep and the water was awesome. One of my colleague, dived into the water and swimed. It must have been so fun for him ... I wish I could swim. The boating experience was ultimate. After lunch, we checked out from the resort and went to Kashid Beach. This is where I had my fun loaded time. One of my colleague took his car and we drove in the beach. The shore was wide with hard sand, so driving was not at all difficult. We could drive without the fear of the car getting stuck. I managed to drive at 100KM/Hr. It was only the sea-breeze which was a limiting factor. This was the 1st time ever, I drove in a sea-beach; a place where you can drive without getting annoyed by the traffic or pot-holes in the road. The return journey was also good, but I was sleeping in the bus all the time. All in all the trip was a fun filled one and I had a lot of good times. Looking forward to more such outings.

all these days...

Logged into blogger after so many days. After a lapse of around 2 months, I am again engaged into a priority 1 - severity 1 work, so back to the old days of hard work. Staying late in office, working in weekends. History repeats itself. I feel nice to work hard and stress myself. Only problem is that sometimes my minds get shut, I loose my commonsense when I feel that I am under tremendous work pressure. It was just yesterday, I was about to adopt a silly way to solve a problem. Had my friend did not come and rescue me at the right moment, I would have been toiling all night at office. I hope the work at hand will get over by end of this month. Otherwise life is going okay. Vitiligo sometimes bother me, but probably I have almost accepted it. Its my friend now, who will go along with me wherever I go. All in all life is going fine at its own pace.

Red Red Wine...

"Wine" a term usually related to celebration, good moments. How far can one travel to get wine? 1km... 10km... 100km... or 500km ??? Yes, me and my friend traveled 500km(to-fro) from Pune. It all started with a random plan that we decided to go to Sangli (a place 250kms away from Pune, known for its wine vineyard) to see the vineyards there and the processing plants. We started from Pune at around 2pm. The journey was through Mumbai-Bangalore Highway (NH4). It was raining moderately and hence it was real fun to drive. I myself don't drink wine, but it was all for the driving pleasure and to see the vineyard that I agreed upon the plan. I don't say myself to be a very good driver, but I find driving very much relaxing and soothing. We reached our destination at around 7pm. The place is known as Krishna Wine Park, and it comes under Maharashtra Industrial Development Corporation. The person there showed us the processing plant, the big chambers where the wines are stored and told us in brief about the varieties of grapes. It was really great to see and know those stuffs. We reached back home by around 12midnite. The drive, the vineyard ... proved a real cool combination and a memorable experience for both me and my friend.

The Road Not Taken : An Analysis

Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” has been one of the most analyzed, quoted, anthologized poems in American poetry. About the poem, Frost asserted, "You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem - very tricky." And he is, of course, correct. The poem has been and continues to be used as an inspirational poem, one that to the undiscerning eye seems to be encouraging self-reliance, not following where others have led. But a close reading of the poem proves otherwise. It does not moralize about choice, it simply says that choice is inevitable but you never know what your choice will mean until you have lived it.

I feel, from the poem we can't make out any positive or negative conclusion. For example, as in the line And that has made all the difference, the poet has never mentioned anything in the poem which can conclude whether the difference is a positive or a negative one. Also as in I shall be telling this with a sigh, the sigh can mean a nostalgic relief or a regret.

So Frost was absolutely correct; his poem is tricky—very tricky. But only if we are not careful readers. If we read into poems claims that are not there. And in this poem, it is important to be careful with the time frame. As we read in the line Somewhere ages and ages hence, poet's evaluation of the difference of his choice made are still in the future. He will be reporting sometime in the future how his road choice turned out, we have to realize that we cannot assign meaning to “sigh” and “difference,” because the speaker himself cannot know how his choice will affect his future, until after he has lived it.


The poem justifies my funda of life, "Past is gone, future is yet to come, so live the present; its a gift and don't worry about the choices you are making. You never know whether you have to regret or feel glad about the choices you are making today or whether the difference will be a positive or a negative". Just Live and Let Live !!!

All About Acceptance...

when I was a child, I grew up with a notion in myself that I will never ever submit myself to average habits. So, whatever I aspired to do, I gave all of myself and succeeded in most of my endeavors. That made me one of the well known kids in town (I am from a small town, so that was fairly easy on my part). But the child is grown now and the dream is gone. I have learnt to submit myself to acceptance. When I look into my life in current days, I feel its only acceptance that has reigned the supreme. Everywhere, I just accept stuffs. Over the years, I have accepted that getting a girl for myself, who will love me, care for me and just take me for granted is far beyond possibility. The development of vitiligo in me has worsen my notion and I have been compelled to put a full stop in it. Rest, I am not sure about my future, my career ahead. So, I have just accepted in myself to do good whatever I am doing now. But, it gives me a big question mark when I see people around me living life the kings size; they live life they feel like, they have females with them or have the capability to lure them. I know all that glitters are not gold. All smiling faces are not happy in their lives. But, I feel atleast they are more normal than me. I am not comparing myself with people around me, but its true that I get the feeling of a pin prick in my ass when I find that life is not very kind with me. So, for me its all about acceptance now. Learning to accept limitations in my effort to be happy in life. If I don't accept limitations then it make me more depressed, although depression is a way of life now.

how does it feel ?

How does it feel when you discover that when you were celebrating your achievement, you actually got ruined somewhere?
How does it feel when you find that inspite of being so generous, kind and good to people around you, bad things keep happening with you?

Although I have so many thoughts in my mind... I don't wanna dirty my blog with shits. I am just asking myself only one question, "If there is a God, they why has He let me die?" Ofcourse this question is totally irrelevant for me.

Toota Toota Ek Parinda Aise Toota
Ke Phir Jud Naa Paaya
Loota Loota Kisne Usko Aise Loota
Ke Phir Ud Naa Paaya
Girta Hua Woh Asma Se
Aakar Gira Zameen Par

Is this a life I was supposed to lead ??? I don't know... nobody knows...

a great feeling...

Today, I got an A++ award (quarterly award given to employees for their contribution to the company) for my work on a customer escalation. It was a moment of immense joy and pleasure when I received the email from my manager. A snippet of the same is shown below:

Saurav has received A++ award for his dedicated efforts over 4-5 weeks to address performance concerns of one of our esteemed customer for our volume replicator product stack...... contribution of Saurav's customer driven efforts to try out multiple scenarios over a short timespan, which in fact made our customer realize the commitment from Symantec side....

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my colleagues cum friends @ office who gave me all types of support both morally as well as technically during those days. There were times when I were frustrated or very tired and my friends used to console me by cracking jokes, PJs and sometimes even would get me a cup of tea in my cube. I remember an occasion, when they arranged for a eat-out in one of the happening pub of the town... to get me out of my frustration and fatigue. I really feel privileged to get colleagues and friends like them.

Hats Off To All You Guys... !!!

Quarter Life Crisis

QLC was a term known to me as QLogic Fibre Channel HBA driver, till I knew about the other QLC... :-D

The Quarter Life Crisis (QLC) is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from ages 21 - 29. The term is named by analogy with mid-life crisis. It is now recognized by many therapists and professionals in the mental health field.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

And I know, I along with supposedly many of my friends are going through this crisis presently. Some of us might want to solve this problem by simply getting married or so, but I don't want to submit myself to this crisis. Many might think this as an excuse on my failure to get the right girl for me, but NO. Lemme see what are the other solutions to this crisis or its just to wait and watch till I cross this age. I simply don't know.

a reason to smile

Last two days were quite special for me. Firstly, I got recognized for my hard work by people very high in the hierarchy in my company. It really feels great, when the effort and work done gets paid by a token of acknowledgment. Its what is called "Professional Satisfaction". Some of the effects of a past post of mine "Hard work Kills"... got relived to some extent. Secondly, one of my best friend (that too a female) wrote a testimonial for me in Orkut. I was so happy to read it. I feel at the seventh heaven when people says good things about me. Thanks dost, u gave me a reason to smile.

Weekend in Mumbai ...

I went to Mumbai this Friday, to meet two of my old friends; friends of my sweet old engineering days. It was just a sudden plan that I made to go there. I left for Mumbai at around 6pm on Friday evening, to spend 2 days of the weekend there. I reached one of my friends' house at around 11pm... thanks to the traffic jams. He had already cooked dinner for me, so after dinner, we sat and started talking about all our best days in college and life after that. I went to meet him after around one year. He is staying with some of his colleagues, and the disordered state of his apartment made me recollect about my hostel life , and I was left with nostalgia. Next morning, the other friend who is perusing his higher studies in IIT Bombay, joined us. We roamed around in the streets of South Mumbai, went to Gateway of India, relaxed in the Marine Drive, in between watched a movie, had delicious lunch and dinner in 2 of the nicest resturents in Church Gate. Saturday night we went to IIT Hostel, and spent our night there. Sunday morning as usual, woke up late, then had breakfast in the hostel. Every bit of these made me recollect the student life. If given a chance, I want to go back to those days. Then, we went to a shopping malls, spent some time there, did some shopping and I finally left for Pune on Sunday Evening. It was a refreshing weekend after a long time. As I was coming back, I was thinking that friends we make in our hostel lives are somewhat different. They accept you the way you are. We don't have to do carry any makeup smile with them when we are sad or unhappy. Just be the way we are. Probably, during those 4 yrs, we were each others' parents, relatives, siblings, and we end up developing these traits. Although, time fades away everything, but some moments are to be cherished forever. Work and some baseless deeds cum thinking had taken away lot of my vital energy during the past few months. But, I feel relaxed now.

All these Three Years ... ( Part - IV )

My friends helped me to the extreme limit, so that I can take off with my new life in a smoother way. Take it in the case of my initial days of learning to drive the car or just to overcome the silence at home when I come back from office. I started developing some new affection, experienced a different way in which my heart beat. In between, we went to Goa, which seems to be memorable trip in my life. The most important development after December 2006, will be that I left chatting completely and instead developed a new habit of writing blogs. I started looking at myself in a more deeper way, started talking to myself. I never found anything good in myself. My blogs during this time explains everything. I learnt that I dont know how to handle things in life, take everything from heart, and injure myself. All my bad traits like working in impulse, getting irritated frequently and most importantly thinking too much in matters which need no thinking became so apparent that even my friends started observing these. My longing and thriving for someone to love me increased. I am always blessed with parental love and sibling love, but the type of love which I am craving for, I also can't explain. And thats how I am living now. Living everyday as a new day, as though tomorrow never comes. I am learning to live. Probably, in this new experiment I will never succeed, but I am finding bliss in it. Lemme see what happens.

We're all mere pawns
In the hands of fate
And when things go wrong
They will, at any rate
All we can do is, just wait
For Mr. Fate to become our mate.

All these Three Years ... ( Part - III )

I became a voracious chatter in yahoo towards January 2006, and looking at my state, my brother took broadband connection at home. So, I don't have to come to office in weekends. My friendships with four office friends increased and we started having frequent eat outs. My brother also had a car by this time, we shifted to a row house near NH-4. So, two of us used to go for long rides and all. But Filipino girls reigned supreme in my lives those days. It was so extreme in some cases that I used to leave early from office, come home and chat. Also durng this time, my professional friends became my personal friends. This life continued and continued till December 2006. In between these days, in October 2006 we moved to the new flat bought by my brother and in November 2006, he got married. Later in December 2006 , bro and sis-in-law moved to US of A and I left alone in Pune. Living together for 2 long years, and suddenly I was alone. Initially, it was not very easy to start off with a solitary life, but I managed. That was Episode Three.

All these Three Years ... ( Part - II )

In January 2005, two of my college friends joined jobs in Pune. So, the vacancy of having friends who knows me better than I do is filled up. And we started with our college days' life, this time ofcourse not in a college campus but among ourselves. My weekends' were mostly spent in my friends' flat and with all chaotic deeds. Waking up at 7AM on a Sunday morning, go to eSquare for the morning show (as it was as cheap as 40 bucks), have lunch somewhere, come back to room, sleep till evening, then go to FC Road or JM Road, do bird watching, sit in some "tapri" with chai and sutta (I dont smoke), have dinner in mostly road side Chinese resturent and finally come home. Next morning is a Monday morning and I had to catch the office bus as early as 8AM. This continued till September 2005. In between these period, I switch my job from TCS to Veritas on 9th May, 2005. I didn't have much time for my brother, but my brother was not lonely as well, he had his love who also used to work in Pune itself. Sometime in September, 2005 my friends left Pune for greener pastures. So, there was no more chaotic weekends after that. I used to be at home watching TV, sleeping. I also didn't go out with my brother frequently. We didn't have broadband those days, so I started coming to office on weekends, just to serf the net and chat. I developed friendships with some girls of Philippines and my weekends started passing off with just yahoo messenger. Towards December, 2005 my acquaintances with my colleagues in Veritas increased and 5 of us became more than just colleagues. That was Episode Two.

All these Three Years ... ( Part - I )

I started my career on 1st July, 2004 by joining TATA Consultancy Services (TCS). Initial 50 days of training was done in TCS, Trivandrum and then I joined TATA Research Development and Design Center in Pune. I landed up in this city on 20th August, 2004. I rented a 1BHK flat just near to my office. I had nothing with me except for my clothes, one mattress, one pillow, 3 books, one table (given by the landlord), one bucket, one mug, and one big bucket again given by the landlord to store water, as the water used to come on fixed timing that too just twice in 24 hrs. I had just one companion in my flat and that was my Nokia 2300, I bought with my 1st salary. Radio Mirchi was my only source of entertainment when I was in my flat. So, there was no personal life as such. I arranged my dinner with one aunty in just 15 bucks per meal. I used to walk to my office, stay till 9-10 PM at night although I didn't have any work at office and used to go to office 7 days a week. Some times in the weekend, I along with one of my colleague used to go to MG Road, pass some time, have dinner there and come back. This life continued till mid-October 2004. My brother returned from France and joined Veritas Software in Pune. We changed our flat to a posh area, I started a new life in the cradle of my brother. Now we have furnitures in our house, we have a TV with cable connection, we cook our own dinner. So, life became more organized and structured. I got my college days' PC from home and so there was no dearth of relaxation any more. I continued working in TCS, but I never go to office on weekends. This was Episode One.

All these Three Years ...

On 1st July, 2007 I completed 3 long years of my professional career. Now, sitting alone in my cozy bedroom, I am just recollecting my life in all these three years. One thing is common to all these years, and that's Pune. Variety is the spice of life, but probably I didn't bother to add spices to my life by making too much changes to my life. Take it as my apathy or my utter laziness. My friends, as I can see from a bird's eye view, added a lot of spices to their lives by going abroad, changing many jobs, increasing the figures in their payslips, experimenting newer things in life, relationships etc etc ... and the list goes on. But, me ??? I am there where I was 3 years ago. No wonder, my friends and my juniors tell me ... "Haloi, you haven't changed yaar, Neither your look nor your behaviors, infact nothing. You are the same old Haloi, we had for 4 long years in campus". And I say, "Yes, you guys are right".
I still carry the same traits with me, being too much emotional, too much sentimental, a bit psycho, too much frustrated and desperate about girls, short tempered, negativity and pessimism in everything, very sincere to my work, faithful to people like a dog and ... yeah that's all.
Well, but I just want to recollect what I did in these three years, and don't want to pass any justification or explanation to my deeds. So, lemme start...