a sense of despair...

A mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity, also known as depression. Depression can me a mood disorder, which is usually a state of unhappiness or sadness, or to a relatively minor downturn in mood that may last only a few hours or days. In severe cases, depression is also known as clinical depression in which a state of intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living.

...well, whatever I have mentioned above is just for informative purpose and has nothing to do with my life. Its true that I sometimes suffer from depression but its very low in intensity. I usually feel it when I get the sense that something is not going good with me. It may vary from the fear of the change in my terrestrial appearance, or not able to get something/someone I thrive for or just the feeling that I am inadequate and that's why I am a loser. Probably, my depression range from some personal problems to something which happen to me because of my own shitty deeds. I do shitty stuffs when I allow my emotions, feelings to overcome my thinkings. Hence I end up f**king my own ass. When I see stuffs with my own eyes that something bad is happening to me because of my own deeds, I feel total lost. And I end up listening to REM - Everybody Hurts in a loop. Some personal problems can never be avoided, but depression arising out of relationships or friendships can always be avoided. I think I should listen to my first instinct. People tells me real love never exists, its just the physical needs of two person. Well, might be true... whatever, in future I will try hard so that I don't make myself "chutiya" by my own deeds.

oh... finally

I was not able to speak to myself for the past one week. And the reason was ... my internet connection was down. For the 1st time ever, I have received such a prompt response from VSNL guys, that in one week time the link is restored. So, back to the world of blogging !!!

...Sick & Tired

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm also one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

[modified to suit my needs]

...well, I am not suffering from Schizophrenia or anything like that, but probably some imaginary or hypothetical characters do exist in my heart & mind. At this age of mine its totally baseless to talk about loneliness or depression and frankly, I am devoid of both. But there are times when these hypothetical characters come out from my inside and befriends me. I try to see them in the eyes of real characters that surrounds me. And, here I go wrong. The imaginary characters, are something out of this world, they are just concrete examples of a paragon. Probably, reality can never be so good and serene as my hypothetical world. When I am under the influence of these non-existent entities, I try to acquire affection, love, or rather beg some peace from the reality, and I am left behind as a vagabond. Coz, Reality dont care.

[This post is written in a complete tired, exhausted and raped state. Continually working for nearly 30 hours, I reached a state of mind where I could demarcate between reality and imagination and I curse myself for commingling these two sides of a coin.]

My Friend of Misery...

Misery
You insist that the weight of the world
Should be on your shoulders
Misery
Theres much more to life than what you see
My friend of misery...

The saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed !!!" has come to be true in many cases in my life. And I feel, I am so lucky to have such friends. Let me quote an incident which happened just last night (18th May, 2007 - 10PM). I was very busy all day in office, so came home late , was very tired tooo. I packed my dinner from a resturent. When I was just in the entrance of my apartment, I remembered that I need to buy milk and bread, so I parked my car there, with hazards & the parking lights on. I had stopped the engine and head lights, locked all the windows, doors and came out of the car, just to find that I had left the car key inside. My cellphone, the house key was inside and even the FM was going on. It was like a bolt from the blue, only my wallet was with me. Thanx God that I had kept the spare key of the car and the flat in office. My mind had already gone blank and at that point of time I just remembered the mobile number of Anish; I called Anish from the PCO and told him everything. I was literally in a state of shock. Anish had already reached home by then. He assured me that he will go to office and get the key for me. I then went to Alok's house, who stays around 1km from my apartment and fled to office in his car. We stay around 14km apart from our office and the roads were full of friday night traffic. For the first time in my life, I was cursing "Thanks God, Its Friday". We reached office by around 10:40, Anish had already reached by then, must have drove at 100-120 kmph to reach office so early. We had to find the security guy who posses all the duplicate key of the office cupboards, as even my office keys were inside my car. Finally got the keys by around 11pm and reached home by 11:20. I was a bit scared with Alok's very fast driving, but I knew that he is efficient and skilled. I was worried that if the car battery gets discharged, then it will be a great pain in my ass. But nothing of that sort happened, the car was still there, standing with all lights and hazards on. It was a total stressful incident. I took so much tension on the whole matter that at some point of time I was feeling dizzy.
God, Thank You So Much for giving me such friends, whom I can approach anytime.

Veronika Decides to Die...

just finished reading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. Nice Book. Its the story about a young girl, Veronika, who seems to have everything in life... she is pretty, has a lot of handsome and nice boyfriends, a cool job and loving parents. Yet she was not happy and the thought of something lacking in her life led her to take the decision to die. She does a suicide attempt but woke up in a local hospital. A failed suicide attempt. But she was told in the hospital that although it was a narrow escape from the jaws of death, but her heart was damaged already and she has only a few days to live... The story is all about her experiences through these vivid days in the hospital, a journey between living and dying. A tale of her friendship with three other persons in the hospital: a patient of severe depression, a patient of Panic-Attack and another one suffering from Schizophrenia. The books also throws light to lot of medical facts w.r.t psychiatry, mental problems, chemicals in the brain ["chemical locha as termed by Munnabhai"] etc etc. As one of my friend quoted to me, one needs a special mood to read the book. The story has an ultimate climax. A climax which was expressed in just 3-4 sentences in a book of about 200 pages, and it changes the whole depressive feeling about the book and its title.
The most important lesson to be learnt from the book is that every moment in our lives is special and precious and hence we should sing the song of life with full zeal and ebullience.
Starting with "The Fifth Mountain" again my Paulo Coelho. Lemme see what this book has to tell. :-)

A Dual Feeling...

I didn't like people so much in my past.
I loved computers instead.
At least computers were honest, readily available
And never intentionally or unintentionally sought to hurt me.
It took me years to realize that I used computers as a
replacement for the people I wanted to avoid.
Overall, I was scared of being hurt, afraid of rejection
and of not being loved in return.

That was a long time ago.
These days, I love people.
I learned to love through friendship.

I would like to take a moment of your time and share
something of what I learned.

My friend, has just read my blog.
She found it somewhat dogmatic and ironic
As a result, she missed my heart amongst the words.

So, I wanted to rewrite it but I didn't,
And if you still find it a bit dogmatic or sarcastic,
I can only blame my enthusiasm and a lack of space to fully elaborate...

OK, enough with excuses, will you be my friend?

Yep? Great! So we are friends.
At times, we both realize that it is not easy for either of
us to give and receive love.
The more I try to hate you, the more I love you ...
The more I try to love you, the more I hate you ...
That's the Thin Line Between Love and Hate ....
What to do... that's life!
Let's both Live it ...
And make life beautiful like never before !!!

Everybody Hurts ... sometimes

A few days ago, as I was hitch hiking through the web I came across some inspirational sites where I read a touching story. The story is about a boy and a girl who used to study in the same university and were friends. There was no romantic involvement among them but the boy had a great affection and fondness for the girl. The girl, as many other girls, had a great feminine attitude . Considered herself to be strong enough to handle any situations and in no need of the boy in her ups and downs. But as it was a boy's heart, he tried to find happiness in the girl's presence and himself always longed to give as much as happiness as he can, to the girl. Whenever he got bogged down by life's cruel ways or may be just to kill loneliness he seek the girl's company. Sometimes he found her, sometimes he had to try hard to see her around him and sometimes the girl used to turn him down. Time flew through the window as the pendulam swinged and they got more close (don't take in the usual sense of getting close between a boy & girl) to each other, they came to know more about themselves. The girl although looked happy & fun loving in her looks, suffered from some severe throes. As it happens in the west, family issues and all.... However the boy accepted the girl in the way she was. Days came and days went, and the boy gradually noticed the indifference of the girl towards him. Initially he thought it was just him who was looked on in that way, but when he gave a broader look to the matter, he found that it was not just him but towards everyone she had such an attitude. He always tried to help her, but some people are just hard nut to crack. She was carrying a dead soul. When I was reading the story, I remembered the song "With or Without You" by U2:

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you...

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give
And you give yourself away

I can't live
With or without you

Such was the state of the boy. I have written just a gist of the story and I might have done injustice to the story by not writing everything. The story don't justify the boy or the girl, but just throws light to "The Thin Line between Love and Hate" which exists among all of us.

I was very much moved by the story cause it sounded very realistic, but I was glad that it was just a story and bear no similitude to me. May Almighty help me so that never in my life I fall in such situation. I am not strong enough to face such things. As I am writing this post, I have something in my mind which tells me that in today's complex lifestyle we should not try to find happiness through someone else. If we do so, and later we are hurt, we are nowhere. Its the inner us who should be befriended. Aaaah.. my heart is feeling very heavy now and I should close this post.

Funeral of the heart...

well, for some days I was thinking to write about my crushes (crashes) in life. In the last 24 yrs. of my life I have total 2 such cases where my heart actually beated for the member of my opposite species and there are 3-4 cases of just crush or infatuation. I 1st felt the beauty of liking someone or longing for someone, when I was in 9th standard. Oh God, it was such a heavenly feeling... I still remember about all those day dreamings and what not. She was in my mind for 4 complete years till I left that place for persuing higher studies. But I never conveyed my feelings to her, as I had the fear of rejection and I was not strong enough to bear the throes of rejection. May be I was too young those days and also I was worried about my studies. I thought falling in love will spoil my studies. I was such a studious guy or simply a nerd. But gradually I lost the feelings for her, but my fondness for her still remains. When I was in 4th semeter of my studies, I fell for a girl who was one year younger to me academically. I feel it was the love at first sight. She was pretty, intelligent and I felt as though she was the girl I was looking for. But probably she never liked me from the beginning. I somehow started talking to her, and atleast managed to be her acquaintance if not a friend. I didnot see much attention or liking for me in her eyes, so I decided to give up even without telling her my feelings. Friends advised me not to do so, and after about 6-7 months I told her. I was ready to receive such a reply, but somehow her reply was very harsh.. "Be a friend or be Nothing"... So after that, for the last 5 years I have tried hard not to fall for anyone ... "Falling Itself is a negative emotion. Don't Fall in love; Rise in love"... but I believe rising in love is always a two sided affair. So I convinced myself that its better to be single and happy rather than bear the burnt of rejection.
But I feel, how good it would have been if there was someone who is crazy for me, who love me, who hold my hand, who caresses my head in her lap ....

What If ...

As we lead our life struggling our way through the bitter truths, I feel the most common question we ask oursalves is "What If..." Take my example, I ask myself.. What If I could lead a life like that ... What If this didnot happen to me ... What If I were ... and the list goes on. But even if our question "What If..." don't turns affirmative we still live. Life is all about learning and unlearning. We learn our way to live. After all, time heals everything. I remember a hindi song, wordings of which is something like this ...

"Teri zindagi teri hai, kisi ki amant nahin
Jab chahe tod de aese ek imart nahin..."

I am writing all these because I am doing the same thing ... "Learning to Live..."

I remember the song "Learning to Fly... (By Tom Petty)"

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing


People who read my blog frequently may feel, how this guy can write such affirmative and optimistic things. Well, this might again be the reflection of my sine-curve like mood.

that place ... this year !!!

I was born in Shillong in the chilly winters of Decembers... and 18 long years of upbringings there imbibed in me a special love and bond for the place. When I left that place almost 7 years ago it was just a naive place. But as they say, time heals everything, the place has changed drastically. When I was there last month for vacation with my parents, I observed these changes. The place has now have a CafeCoffeeDay, 2 pubs, lots of ATMs, the roads have gone better and etc etc. Some bad things were the traffic jams, increase in population and ofcourse the place has gone a bit warmer than it was to be those days. I have seen traffic lights coming up in the city roads. Hmmm... but now the place looks a bit alien to me. New people, new faces. However some traits will never change and thats speciallity of this place... thats Shillong.